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| 11:09pm 02/08/2002 |
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Fuck, someone hacked my name, and .. well, did this.
No more Lj; whoever did this shit took away something I was actually proud of,
So, fuck you whoever, fuck you. |
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| HAHAHA |
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| 06:31pm 02/08/2002 |
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I'M A USELESS BLONDE THAT NO ONE LOVES, NEEDS, OR COUNTS ON.
;]
AND I LOVE IT.
HAHA, LOOK AT ALL THE USELESSNESS!? |
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| WELL, IT SEEMS I'VE STILL GOT SOMETHIN'. >:] |
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| 05:44pm 02/08/2002 |
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OnlineHost: *** You are in "Arts and Entertainment - HU Ive got crabs xB". ***
OnlineHost: *** You are in "Arts and Entertainment - Ive got Crabs xB". ***
Sahkura chan: i
Sahkura chan: I
Sahkura chan: OWN
Sahkura chan: YOU
Sahkura chan: ALL.
Sahkura chan: HUHUH
Sahkura chan: LX
Sahkura chan: ';X
Sahkura chan: ;X
OnlineHost: Stevobriks has entered the room.
Stevobriks: eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww
OnlineHost: Stevobriks has left the room.
Sahkura chan: xDDDD
Sahkura chan: ROFL.
Sahkura chan: xD
Sahkura chan: <3
OnlineHost: Ibitsu Ryoushi has entered the room.
Sahkura chan: :x
Ibitsu Ryoushi: I just came in here cause it was funny why u in here do you have crabs
Ibitsu Ryoushi: have you been a frisky little bunny
Sahkura chan: xD
Sahkura chan: NO.
Sahkura chan: :X
Sahkura chan: .___.;
Sahkura chan: I'M A FRISKY POODLE, DAMNIT.
Sahkura chan: >;O
Sahkura chan: Get''t right.
Sahkura chan: >:O
Ibitsu Ryoushi: yes ma'am
Ibitsu Ryoushi: damn women cycle
Sahkura chan: Me? PMSin?
Sahkura chan: Posh.
Sahkura chan: >;\
Ibitsu Ryoushi: so your always like that
Sahkura chan: Huhuhuh, e_E;
Sahkura chan: Maybe.
Sahkura chan: <3
Sahkura chan: :x
Ibitsu Ryoushi: I think I'm in love
Sahkura chan: With me, ya?
Sahkura chan: Of course.
Sahkura chan: ;]
Ibitsu Ryoushi: xD
Ibitsu Ryoushi: did I mention I'm a herm
Sahkura chan: No, I don't suppose you did, ;\
Ibitsu Ryoushi: Well even though I don't know what a Herm is I am one
Sahkura chan: ROFL, xD
Sahkura chan: Look't up? ;\
Ibitsu Ryoushi: ::looks up in dictionary:: A women with a large huge penis
Sahkura chan: O_O! COOL.
Ibitsu Ryoushi: and her other body parts including breasts and vagina
OnlineHost: XxAtticus187xX has entered the room.
Ibitsu Ryoushi: its a hermaphrodite!
Sahkura chan: ;X
Sahkura chan: Woo.
Ibitsu Ryoushi: antidisestablismentarianism
OnlineHost: XxAtticus187xX has left the room.
Ibitsu Ryoushi: I love sex
Sahkura chan: I love ..
Sahkura chan: Well
Sahkura chan: MEN.
Sahkura chan: AND
Sahkura chan: PENIS-THING.
Sahkura chan: AND
Sahkura chan: ..
Sahkura chan: @_@;
Sahkura chan: ..
Sahkura chan: Sex*
Sahkura chan: >>;
Ibitsu Ryoushi: Will you make out with me
Sahkura chan: ..
Sahkura chan: NOPE.
Sahkura chan: n_____n
Ibitsu Ryoushi: please
Sahkura chan: AHJKAH, >;o
Sahkura chan: 'Manda
Sahkura chan: =
Sahkura chan: Not Available.
Sahkura chan: ;\
Ibitsu Ryoushi: I have a small audience awatching
Sahkura chan: AND?
Sahkura chan: >;\
Ibitsu Ryoushi: they want to watch you make out with me
Sahkura chan: Well, I can't exactly do that. x)
Ibitsu Ryoushi: you can cyber
Sahkura chan: ;\ Posh.
Sahkura chan: I could, if I wanted to.
Ibitsu Ryoushi: I have a 9 incher
Sahkura chan: Lovely.
Sahkura chan: : Clap :
Sahkura chan: ;]
Ibitsu Ryoushi: yes its very fun to play with
Sahkura chan: Masturbation =
Sahkura chan: Joy.
Sahkura chan: <3
Sahkura chan: ;D
Sahkura chan: Not that I'd know, f'course.
Sahkura chan: ;x
Ibitsu Ryoushi: my sword collection is fun ((you though I was talking about my penis?))
Sahkura chan: Well, of course I did; swords are not nine inches,
Sahkura chan: Daggers are.
Sahkura chan: <3
Ibitsu Ryoushi: yes they are, I have a plastic sword that is nine inchs
Ibitsu Ryoushi: ha
Sahkura chan: Blargh.
Sahkura chan: ;\
Ibitsu Ryoushi: ::kisses your lips and runs away fast:: Hahahahaha
Sahkura chan: Hmph, ;\
Sahkura chan: WHY DO I GET THAT REACTION WITH MEN?
Sahkura chan: ;.;
Sahkura chan: Always running off like tha'.
Sahkura chan: Fweh.
Sahkura chan: ;\
Ibitsu Ryoushi: BECAUSE YOUR CUTE AND WE THINK YOUR GOING TO BEAT US UP
Sahkura chan: I'M CUTE?!
Sahkura chan: WELL, HI-HO.
Sahkura chan: ;D
Ibitsu Ryoushi: yep
Ibitsu Ryoushi: xD
Ibitsu Ryoushi: Lollipop?
Sahkura chan: .. Lollipop?
Ibitsu Ryoushi: do you want one
Sahkura chan: Not really. ;3
Jei's back, and we've been talking for a while; I didn't realize how much I missed him. Well, I knew I had, but not this much.
He's so sweet, and a great guy to talk to when somethin's wrong -- or just to talk to.
He said he'd come to Georgia. ;X! I don't know if he was kidding, or not -- but I'ma hold him to it, >:O |
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| 09:33pm 01/08/2002 |
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mood:  stressed music: ( tsuki no le ) arai akino
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Ah, it feels so good to be roleplaying again; I've gotten quite good, I suppose .. tc', I try. And, not just me, Corey is .. Mm. :x I've reverted back to the vampire chick -- I've rarely used her ( with Bryan and Corey only ) .. Bleh. I never get to roleplay anymore. ;\ Jei's never on, so no Sakura -- same with Takeo. Bryan's never in the mood, no Juuhachi, or whoever else I roleplay with him. Corey's always there, though.
Mmn, tomorrow, I'm going to Savannah with Jeff and his sister. The beach. Finally. HA, Amanda in a bathingsuite; funny image.
I need the pictures I sent to Aaron -- of my stomach and all .. ;x Maybe I'm not so bad?
Bleh, either or.
Got to see Mom today -- and we went to go see Clint. He took his lunch break with us, @_@;
Aaron's on, woo. |
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| Bleh. |
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| 11:04pm 31/07/2002 |
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So white .. I can't see.
( Let's go, together .)
I'm finally ready to admit .. how small the field of my vision is. The world is vast .. you think you can see everything -- the whole picture -- but you can't.
Hard times always end ; how, and when, you will find out later on down this path ..
No matter which direction you turned at the crossroads.
The moon sleeps tonight beside its lover, Twilight, as dreams of stars and silence dance across their faces .. so blissfully close together. Sleep well, they whisper, for tomorrow I shall not be here ..
And I danced across the water;
I have tomorrow, the old wound whispered, and so we shall waltz,
and dream dreams that won't disappear when we open our eyes.
I've breathed for you ( and learned my lesson ) forgetting how to breath for me. Waiting -- a lifetime, until you would hold me forever. The logic is elegant; the doves weep, as I court the moon - serenade the stars. Oblivious to the obvious -- isn't that why the caged bird sang? Down amongst a million -- we've been forsaken to begin with. My sin was forgiven, and now .. As the stars fall, I lie awake -- oblivious to the obvious, that all along you were breathing
-- for me.
I just found out there was no such thing as the real world, just a lie you have to rise above. So, take me with you - this dimmed path I've taken is pointless; leaving me jaded, weak. Leaving me to swallow my own blood. So, take me with you ; that love's taking me higher, to a place where you chase my fears away - where I am blinded by the light. So, take me with you ;
because I want to want to live.
After the love of your life leaves you ( leaving you oblivious to so much ) -- I will be there. Toward tomorrow, let me guide you in to this new reality -- the event in which I become yours. Though it has been this way for so long, I will wait for you to notice me. No matter how painful my destiny, the fate I know is worth it all. Because I am here for you, even if you don't notice me ( will you ever ) ? Call me fool, but I want to keep waiting for your affection -- I want you to love me, like I love you. Know I'll be pacing for your arrival -- the acknowledgment of your devotion. When your love comes, let it break in to my heaven -- just to roll back the clouds -- until the you know that I am here waiting ;
for you.
I tried so hard ( to be someone I wasn't ) Could you see through me? To see my true self ; the coward, the stripped, the oblivious. Is that who I am ? Looking past the images of my former time. Do I want to be who I am anymore or is this dream I live suiting my tastes? I can't answer the questions - do I even try? Break in to my heaven just to roll back the clouds .. Lets feint the neverending search to find out who I really am
Because I don't think I want to know anymore.
I fell in love with you ( but you didn't catch me ). Bruised, I am unable to fly anymore. Unable to recognize myself. Unable to find the obvious. I'm missing amongst the seas of a million ; stained, my wrists turn to you turn to the figment of you turn to what once was. Disappointed, they'll fall ( along with them, my hope ) Angels for everyone, for anyone, for the lost. My chance must've been forgotten when my world began, when another's ended, when our fates collided. My unseen promise has become just another lie.
Angels for everyone, angels in everyone
with anyone.
As they soar, I am left behind. When they return, I will reach for you ; turning my memories in to wings -- and, I'll fly to you.
Don't forget me ; even when I want to be forgotten. Just teach me to see, and I will look ;
-- toward heaven, toward life, toward you.
Clutch me in your arms ( hold me, like forever ) And teach me to hear, and I will listen ;
-- to heaven, to life, to you.
Just hold my hand tonight, let me dream another nightmare -- but, not alone. Teach me to walk, and I will run ..
-- back in to your touch, back into the dream I never want to wake up from.
Will you teach me to cry, so that I can weep? Among the stars, courting the heavens..
Don't forget me ; even when I've forgotten myself.
Do they suck? Hell yes. Do I wish they were better? Of course. Do I express myself through these words? That's for you to decide. |
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| 10:16pm 30/07/2002 |
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Mm, my father and I went to Borders -- I needed the Animerica Extra and Animerica magazines, E_e; I haven't been to see Clint, the sexy-comic-dealer-man, in months, soo ..
And, I could've swore I saw a boy who looked just like Aaron. I mean, sure -- I don't know him, but he's sent plenty of pictures.
.. Nn, or maybe it's what I wanted to see? I d'know. This guy just comes into the Graphic Novels section, stares at me for a sec, and wanders off -- I literally dropped the Chobits manga and followed him, ._.;
The resemblance ..
I don't know; the way I feel is so strong, it hurts --and at the same time, I'm always so uncertain, always.
.. And it really did shake up some emotions. |
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| More stoopit icons, ;\ |
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| 11:21pm 29/07/2002 |
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ROFL, I have no idea why I'm posting them here -- NO one reads my journal ..
Eh, I guess I wanna know if I've got any potential, ;]
Yay, nay?
Comment.
.. Er, comment, either way. >>; |
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| It's my life, aruite yukou. |
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| 11:25pm 27/07/2002 |
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mood:  melancholy music: ( tooi kono machi de ) Ccs ; 1st movie
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Utaou sora o miagete. It's my life, aruite yukou
Watashi no chikara de susumu ; hate shinai kono
michi o.
Mm, I did .. alot of thinking. Alot.
Aaron, I .. believe you. I don't know if you care anymore ( or ever did ) but I believe you. I should've, in the first place -- and I'm sorry.
But, honestly, what would you've done -- ? I didn't know what the hell to think; you've been pretty distant, not calling ( or offering ) barely talking -- but I still loved you, all the same.
.. And I still do. If I'm asking myself to get hurt, tell me -- we'll end this, here, now. Don't drag it out, and don't play with my affection --
Because, even after all this, I'm still in love with you ;
I .. just can't believe I ever thought that -- and ..
I'm sorry, and I love you --
if it matters, right?
.. Aruite yukou. |
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| DO I TURN YOU ON?! |
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| 03:59pm 27/07/2002 |
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mood:  amused music: ( downfall, best song! :X ) trust company
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Sahkura chan [3:55 PM]: ROFL, Do I turn you on? :DD
Fiqhter [3:58 PM]: Rofl. : orgasm :
Sahkura chan [3:58 PM]: LmAo, OKAY. ;X
- - - - - - - - - - -
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: DO I turn you on?! x_X
Piece of Courage [4:00 PM]: o_o;
Piece of Courage [4:00 PM]: Whaaa?
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: ROFL, xD
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: Do
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: I
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: turn
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: you
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: on?
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: ;.;
Piece of Courage [4:00 PM]: Hai :D
Sahkura chan [4:00 PM]: :DD
Piece of Courage [4:01 PM]: ^___^ very much so
- - - - - - - - - - -
Manda sahn: DO I TURN YOU ON?!
fIuffy piIIow: YES
fIuffy piIIow: YEYSYESYESYES
fIuffy piIIow: YESYESYES MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM -MOANMOAN-
fIuffy piIIow: xD
Manda sahn: xDD
Manda sahn: <3
fIuffy piIIow: <333
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Sahkura chan: .. DO I TURN YOU ON?
Sahkura chan: o_O
Socceraddict14: no
Socceraddict14: no
Sahkura chan: e_e; Love you, too.
Socceraddict14: noi
Socceraddict14: noi
Socceraddict14: no
Socceraddict14: no
Socceraddict14: no
Socceraddict14: no
Socceraddict14: no
Socceraddict14: no
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Sahkura chan: DO I TURN YOU ON?
Sahkura chan: :D
I Killed Amber: no..
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Sahkura chan [4:23 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON?
Daiidoujii [4:23 PM]: ...
Daiidoujii [4:23 PM]: O_O F'COURSE
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Sahkura chan [4:25 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON? ;D
Iittle plum [4:25 PM]: YESH! *____*
Sahkura chan [4:25 PM]: ROFL, xD
Sahkura chan [4:25 PM]: <3333
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Sahkura chan [6:11 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON?! ;X
Manda sama [6:12 PM]: o_o;
Manda sama [6:12 PM]: -manda's friend xDD
Sahkura chan [6:12 PM]: ROFL, xD
Sahkura chan [6:12 PM]: All right.
Manda sama [6:12 PM]: and..YUSS YOU DO =x
Sahkura chan [6:12 PM]: STILL, DO I TURN YOU ON? ;D
Sahkura chan [6:12 PM]: :DDD
Sahkura chan [6:12 PM]: <33
Manda sama [6:12 PM]: :D
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Sahkura chan [6:26 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON?
Dogtooth Violets [6:26 PM]: ... XD Where did that come from?
Sahkura chan [6:26 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON?! >:o
Dogtooth Violets [6:26 PM]: o.o Of -- course?
Sahkura chan [6:27 PM]: o_o
Sahkura chan [6:27 PM]: HUHUHUHUHUH.
Sahkura chan [6:27 PM]: x)
Dogtooth Violets [6:27 PM]: xP
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Sahkura chan: DO
Sahkura chan: I
Sahkura chan: TURN
Sahkura chan: YOU
Sahkura chan: ON?
Nowayman2001: ya
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Sahkura chan [6:44 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON? O_O
Sahkura chan [6:44 PM]: e_E;
Neko Korey kun [6:45 PM]: : poke : Are you okay?
Sahkura chan [6:45 PM]: Hush, >>;
Sahkura chan [6:45 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON? ;D
Neko Korey kun [6:46 PM]: If I hush, how can I answer the question, but if you say so..
Sahkura chan [6:46 PM]: .. Don't hush,
Sahkura chan [6:46 PM]: Answer question, e_E;
Neko Korey kun [6:46 PM]: Erm, why?
Sahkura chan [6:46 PM]: ;\
Sahkura chan [6:46 PM]: Fudge, answer.
Sahkura chan [6:47 PM]: Everyone else did, ._.
Neko Korey kun [6:47 PM]: I'm not everyone else, though.
Sahkura chan [6:47 PM]: I know you're not but ..
Sahkura chan [6:47 PM]: Mmmph, Answer. ;\
Neko Korey kun [6:48 PM]: Nuh uhn.
Sahkura chan [6:48 PM]: ;.;
- - - - - - - - -
Sahkura chan: DO I ..
Sahkura chan: TURN
Sahkura chan: YOU
Sahkura chan: ALL
Sahkura chan: ONJ?
Sahkura chan: ON'
Daiidoujii: YES
Sahkura chan: ;\
Daiidoujii: YES
Daiidoujii: : ORGASM :
GothicThugWigga: yes..
Star Soul Scythe: I <3 myself, (use to really I did)
Explosive Youth: ....
Sahkura chan: WOO.
Sahkura chan: :DD
Sahkura chan: <3
OnlineHost: GothicThugWigga has left the room.
Sahkura chan: :x
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Sahkura chan: DO I TURN YOU ON?
Sahkura chan: o_o
Star Soul Scythe: YESH!
Explosive Youth: ....
Sahkura chan: <3
Star Soul Scythe: -.-
Sahkura chan: :D
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Sahkura chan [7:07 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON?! ;XX
Red YinYang [7:07 PM]: XD
Red YinYang [7:07 PM]: BOO
Red YinYang [7:07 PM]: um.
Red YinYang [7:07 PM]: o_o Sure..
Sahkura chan [7:07 PM]: .. .___.
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Sahkura chan [7:13 PM]: ;xx
Sahkura chan [7:13 PM]: DO I TURN .. YOU ON?
Sahkura chan [7:13 PM]: ;DD
I own Gackt [7:13 PM]: <3 gackts song.. 'story' *-*
I own Gackt [7:13 PM]: Gackt turns me on.
Sahkura chan [7:14 PM]: >:\
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Sahkura chan [5:08 PM]: DO I TURN YOU ON? O_o
X Renzokuken [5:08 PM]: o_o;
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: .. >>;
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: DO
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: I
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: TURN
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: YOU
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: ON?
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: :\
X Renzokuken [5:09 PM]: o_o
Sahkura chan [5:09 PM]: Fuck, fine. e_E;
X Renzokuken [5:10 PM]: Everyone turns me on, Amanda. ;D
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Explosive Youth: Wait .. if you were molested by a priest .. wouldn't you be, technically, blessed by God? |
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| 02:32pm 27/07/2002 |
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.. God, this isn't fair.
ninety7octane [2:26 PM]: So, let's see here.
ninety7octane [2:26 PM]: You think I take pictures of lesbians?
Sahkura chan [2:26 PM]: I don't know what to think -- I wasn't there, when or if you sent the picture.
Sahkura chan [2:27 PM]: So, I don't know.
ninety7octane [2:27 PM]: u_u
ninety7octane [2:27 PM]: This is sad.
ninety7octane [2:27 PM]: Hm.
ninety7octane [2:27 PM]: How long have you known Courtney?
Sahkura chan [2:28 PM]: . Mm, look, I just found all this out, I'm confused, and don't know what to think. I'm hesitant to believe you, I don't want to get hurt if anything that she said was true ; because you know it would hurt, Aaron. Because I love you, so much. So, damn. ._.;
ninety7octane [2:29 PM]: Hey, my girlfriend believes a psychotic suicidal ADHD bitch named Courtney over her boyfriend. :/
Sahkura chan [2:30 PM]: No .. That's not it.
Sahkura chan [2:30 PM]: God, just ..
Sahkura chan [2:30 PM]: Mmph.
Sahkura chan [2:30 PM]: .___.
ninety7octane [2:30 PM]: Uh huh.
The fuck --? What do I .. do?
I want to believe him -- and, I do ; I'd believe every word he said to me, just to keep him ..
But, lately -- I d'know, We've gotten closer -- and farther. We don't talk on the phone, we barely talk on-line -- Mmph, I don't know anymore.
If this were any other guy, I'd give up on it -- but, because it's Aaron, and first love, and so much more than that -- I don't know.
Dad's here, so I can't cry it out -- I've got to keep on going, either way, deal with this, as best I can --
and because it's me, I know it'll be all right. |
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| Sick, just .. Sick. |
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| 11:58am 27/07/2002 |
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mood:  apathetic music: ( something depressing ) vilg oui
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Manda sahn: ROFL, <<; What else does he tell you?
fIuffy piIIow: Oh
fIuffy piIIow: He took a fucking picture
fIuffy piIIow: of two chicks
fIuffy piIIow: and one was eating the other out
Manda sahn: .. ROFL.
Manda sahn: xD
fIuffy piIIow: he's like "I'm a photographer"
Manda sahn: <<;
Manda sahn: ..
Manda sahn: That's ..
fIuffy piIIow: It looks like two fucking girls with no boobs
Manda sahn: >>;
Manda sahn: ..
fIuffy piIIow: and they look like the girls that he's in pics with
.. Guess who we're talking about, put two and two together, and you'll know why I'm pissed.
But, I'm not going to let it get to me, ._. He's too .. I d'know -- he acts like he hasn't done a thing wrong.
I mean, what the fuck -- he gets mad at me, because he thinks I was curling up with some guy ( whom he later found out was my cousin ) -- and, all the while, he had gone to the movies and did god knows what with the Katherine girl ..
And now this?
Mm. |
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| On with the depressing music! |
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| 10:40pm 26/07/2002 |
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mood:  disappointed music: ( Lord Manda's journal ) WOO. :D
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Mmn, I found out .. Alot of shit today.
Aaron was upset with me -- because I cuddled with ..
Da da dun, my cousin.
I understood why he'd ne upset if I cuddled with a guy ( which is what he thought Jake was )
But .. then I find out he lied to me, and .. he's a damn good hypocrite.
Mmn, he went to the movies with some Katherine girl, and cuddled with her -- and didn't tell me jack.
In fact, I had asked him .. when he said he was going to the movies, if he was going with anyone -- I was just asking, o_O And he simply said no.
Damnit, did I deserve that, or something -- ? I mean, hell, what the fuck did I do?
Nn, whatever.
Oh, And Bryan's calling tomorrow -- ROFL, that'll be funny as hell. I'll decide tomorrow whether or not to three-way Anna ; all depends.
I don't care, either way.
So, Aaron -- ? Mind explaining some things? |
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| ICONS. <3 ;d |
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| 09:04pm 26/07/2002 |
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Yay, nay? ._. Mmph, I tried.
Like any? Comment. :DD |
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| .. Mmph. >:| |
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| 06:01pm 26/07/2002 |
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hey isnt it nice when your girlfriend unregrettably cuddles with other guys?!
That's not the damned case, >;\ Jake's my second cousin, and Justin's his friend -- I didn't even touch him.
God .. Why do I always mess things up when it's going fine?
Maybe that's why my father and grandparent's talk about me the way they do -- ? Perhaps.
Mm, Aaron, you have to understand -- Justin thought it was funny, me all mopey .. and Jake just gave me a hug and told me everything would be all right ; one hug, that's all, from my second cousin. That's like .. getting a hug from my father, a younger version.
I didn't .. hell, what does it matter? Aaron's mad at me, probably won't believe me -- but, it's the truth. |
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| Thoughts. |
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| 05:28pm 26/07/2002 |
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mood: depressed music: ( nothing .. ) ;\
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Mm, ._. I've had so many things on my mind lately -- things I don't know if I should mention.
It's depressing, thinking so much.
And, to add on to that, it's been raining -- four days straight. :x
Ohmn, I ran around in it with Jake and Justin for a few hours, and they helped me out a little.
And, then I realized that's what I needed -- they held me, in a way ( nothing too intimate, >>; ) and we talked.
Online relationships are just .. hell, they suck.
.. And here's the part that get's me ; I'm in love with someone I'll most likely never see -- I'm giving up my heart to someone I'll probably never touch.
I don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that -- but, at the same time, I need to be. I need to have this one person -- ' with ' me.
Because I love them, so much -- and I don't want to loose them, again .. Even if we're just friends -- I know I'll always want more than that from him.
I d'know ; I .. I don't know what I want right now.
Mm, I do know that I need him -- and, everything I've ever needed and wanted I've found in him ; but, I just have to have all of him.
When I've had a bad day, I want him to come over and hold me -- when he's upset, I want to be the first person he turns to, to call, to need.
Nn, but when he lives a few states, and a few hundred miles away ..
I guess it's just not possible.
But -- you know I love you. How much? It's indescribable. I just -- hope you realize it. |
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| Woo .. |
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| 07:41pm 25/07/2002 |
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| .. I'm lost ; I'm so scared, I'm so .. lost |
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| 09:30pm 22/07/2002 |
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So .. many things are going wrong to the two people I told everyone I could never live without ; my two best friends, my two .. Oh god. Jess --
Sahkura chan [8:57 PM]: Hey, Jess. ._.
Beautiful BeII [8:58 PM]: Hn .. kinda hard for me to type and all. but ill talk to you and only you .. whats wrong
Sahkura chan [8:59 PM]: It's over, for Dean and Rachel. I just thought you should know -- what wrong with you? Are .. you all right? Sick -- Hurt?
Beautiful BeII [8:59 PM]: drunk, actually
Beautiful BeII [8:59 PM]: want .. a fucking day
Beautiful BeII [8:59 PM]: is rach okay??
Sahkura chan [8:59 PM]: I think so ..
Sahkura chan [8:59 PM]: Drunk -- you're fucking drunk? x_x
Beautiful BeII [9:00 PM]: yes. i drink. :/
Sahkura chan [9:00 PM]: No kidding. o_O
Beautiful BeII [9:00 PM]: my god, manda .. if you know what's happen today ..
Sahkura chan [9:00 PM]: .. Well, I'm here. Spill.
Beautiful BeII [9:00 PM]: i hate my fucking life
Beautiful BeII [9:01 PM]: my mom is losing her home. that means she looses me .. but, she isn't going to. and .. i almost got arrested today
Beautiful BeII [9:01 PM]: i threatened to kill somebody
Beautiful BeII [9:01 PM]: and, wait .. know, i am going to kill somebody. :D my cousin! she's 24 .. but, im going to kil her
Sahkura chan [9:02 PM]: Her -- ? x_X Omfg -- be careful ..
Beautiful BeII [9:02 PM]: i saw david today! but .. well, to much for me to say. i think he hates me cause of my mom now .. my mom hates me .. everyone HATES JESSICA!
Beautiful BeII [9:02 PM]: YES. they do.
Beautiful BeII [9:02 PM]: :D i'm not allowed back at shore stop.
Beautiful BeII [9:03 PM]: cant call my cousin no more. but .. i will anyway. XD ill get arressted. cop said so.
Beautiful BeII [9:03 PM]: - ready
Sahkura chan [9:03 PM]: Omfg .. ._. Jess .. :\
Beautiful BeII [9:04 PM]: i'm going to walk to davids house. see if he hates me .. i know he didn't say he did, but still. fuck, i'm in fucking tears. so much that my face is fucking .. red and wet
Beautiful BeII [9:04 PM]: i can't take this anymore. i just cant. im not going to school anymore. fuck it, i quit
Sahkura chan [9:05 PM]: So, where are you going to go then -- ? Your mom, will she make you go?
Beautiful BeII [9:05 PM]: on with the drugs and achol for me. :D!
Sahkura chan [9:05 PM]: Oh god. ._.
Beautiful BeII [9:05 PM]: no, she loves me .. just, really drunk
Beautiful BeII [9:06 PM]: and, fuck the computer. :D fuck it all. i'm going to drugs and shit now .. fuck it, hopefully ill get an OD and die!!
Sahkura chan [9:06 PM]: Jess, stop it. Damnit -- Fucking god, don't say shit like that.
Beautiful BeII [9:07 PM]: why, it's true. thats what im gonna do. :D! ive done pot before ... but, im going the thug life. fuck school, friends, family .. fuck it all.
Beautiful BeII [9:07 PM]: everythings gone, manda. everything ..
Sahkura chan [9:08 PM]: It is, if you let it go so easily. >:| I know you've tried to hold on to it, and shit like that -- I don't know how hard it is ..
Sahkura chan [9:08 PM]: But you just can't give shit up so easily, Jess.
Sahkura chan [9:08 PM]: You have to keep holding on. Please, damnit. Please.
Beautiful BeII [9:08 PM]: but .. why .. i dunno manda .. i wanna give up ..
Sahkura chan [9:09 PM]: You -- I don't know, Jess. You're stonger, than anyone I've ever seen -- you wanna let me down? Come on, you know you're stronger than that.
Beautiful BeII [9:10 PM]: i dont think i can be, manda .. im so scared ..
Sahkura chan [9:11 PM]: Jess, when I was raped, I thought I was loosing everything -- these assholes'll send me to Foster care, and shit -- and I wanted to die. I tried killing myself -- but, I tried to live. As hard as it was, I kept telling myself it'll be better one fucking day,
Sahkura chan [9:11 PM]: And it is. Now, it is. You've gotta hold on, just a little longer.
Sahkura chan [9:11 PM]: And it'll be all right ; I promise you, Jessica. It'll be all right.
Sahkura chan [9:11 PM]: Maybe not now, but It will be.
Beautiful BeII [9:14 PM]: you cant promise me it will be okay! i hate everything. my moms going to fuck everyone over, and so am i. i cant loose my mom .. i can't loose david.
Beautiful BeII [9:14 PM]: if i werent so drunk, id go to davids right now .. but i cant. i need him .. so bad .. manda, i want to give up .. im fucking tired of always being the good one ..
Sahkura chan [9:16 PM]: Please, don't give up ; not yet. I can't promise you anything, you're right -- I can't swear anything, but I can tell you like it is ; Do what you're doing, and you will loose everything ; you will be giving up. Do you want to do that? You have to keep it up.
Beautiful BeII [9:18 PM]: ive tried, manda .. i just don't know what to do anymore. i want everything back to normal .. but, that cant happen. i want, and need, david .. i can't believe i left my mom there alone ..
Beautiful BeII [9:19 PM]: you don't understand what happen today .. so, so much happened .. so many bad things ..
Beautiful BeII [9:19 PM]: i cut myself. four times .. to see what it felt like ..
Sahkura chan [9:19 PM]: .. How did it feel, Jess?
Sahkura chan [9:19 PM]: Did it give you that rush -- ?
Beautiful BeII [9:20 PM]: i don't know .. it felt really weird ..
Beautiful BeII [9:20 PM]: god, if david came here .. i'd make nicole get me so high ..
Beautiful BeII [9:20 PM]: rather david liked it or not ..
Sahkura chan [9:21 PM]: It's different ; for everyone. For me, it was an absolution -- something I could never get away from .. I cut myself .. and cut myself .. Mm, Jess -- if David didn't like it, then don't do it? You need him, right -- ? If you OD, and loose this, you'll loose him.
Beautiful BeII [9:25 PM]: ive already lost him if he doesnt come tonight ..
Sahkura chan [9:25 PM]: Mm, just get things straight with him, Pet. Call, him -- do whatever you can. Just know where he stands.
Beautiful BeII [9:26 PM]: i dont have nicoles number .. i cant talk anymore .. im going to kill myself ..
Beautiful BeII [9:27 PM]: or, run to davids ..
Sahkura chan [9:27 PM]: Run to Davids, Jess. Don't do that -- don't fucking kill yourself. DO NOT give up like this -- you've gotten this far, keep pushing yourself, damnit. Please, keep going.
Beautiful BeII [9:28 PM]: i cant. david isnt home anyway.
Beautiful BeII [9:28 PM]: hes at mikes
Beautiful BeII [9:28 PM]: i think
Beautiful BeII [9:28 PM]: who knows .. im goin to call my mom first .. i cant take this. i hate being this way. im taking the easy way out. i cant take it. i just cant.
Sahkura chan [9:29 PM]: Mm, call your mom -- don't .. do anything else.
Sahkura chan [9:29 PM]: Please.
Beautiful BeII [9:29 PM]: no, i am.
Beautiful BeII [9:29 PM]: i finally realized ..
Sahkura chan [9:33 PM]: .. You .. finally realized -- ?
Auto response from Beautiful BeII [9:33 PM]: Fuck off. N'kay?
.. Oh .. god .. I don't know what to do -- Where's Aaron? God, I need you, Aaron -- I'm loosing it.
Rach is upset, Jess .. oh god ..
Auto response from Beautiful BeII [9:33 PM]: Fuck off. N'kay?
Beautiful BeII [9:36 PM]: im so .. scared .. why didn't i just do what i wanted to?
Sahkura chan [9:36 PM]: What do you mean?
Beautiful BeII [9:36 PM]: i had the knife .. i had it to my wrist .. i cut a little .. why didn't i finish? why?
Sahkura chan [9:37 PM]: Why? Because .. you have to much to live for, even if you don't realize it.
Sahkura chan [9:37 PM]: Jess, don't -- just ..
Sahkura chan [9:37 PM]: ..
Sahkura chan [9:37 PM]: Just don't, Please.
Beautiful BeII [9:37 PM]: bloods everywhere .. im not cleaning it up. im to fucking scared to finish it .. why??? i don't want to be scared ..
Sahkura chan [9:38 PM]: Once you cut more, it's over. There's nothing anymore ; it's all black, it all over. You'll be dead, Jess.
Sahkura chan [9:38 PM]: And you're gone --
Sahkura chan [9:38 PM]: I .. I can't loose you.
Sahkura chan [9:38 PM]: Please ..
Sahkura chan [9:38 PM]: I can't take it.
Beautiful BeII [9:38 PM]: i want david ..
Beautiful BeII [9:38 PM]: maybe .. if i bleed enough ..
Sahkura chan [9:40 PM]: .. Is that what you want, Jessica? Do you want -- do you want to die? Beautiful BeII [9:40 PM]: yes, actually Beautiful BeII [9:40 PM]: make everyone elses lives so much easier ..
Sahkura chan [9:41 PM]: .. How do you know? Everyone that I know -- that knows you -- is going to freak .. I'm fucking crying,
Sahkura chan [9:41 PM]: I'm .. I can't do this again, Jess -- you can't leave me.
Sahkura chan [9:41 PM]: I need you, so much. Beautiful BeII [9:42 PM]: everyone says that! but they all fuck me and my mom over. i cant take it. i'm killing robin, im killing scott, and im killing myself. fuck, i hope i go to jail no more thinking about the fucking computer!
Sahkura chan [9:44 PM]: .. I don't know what to do, anymore, Jess. I'm falling apart -- I .. I can't loose you, Jess. Fuck all of this, I can't loose you like this. You want to die -- you want to end it all? Maybe it'd make your life easier -- but it's not about you, Jess. It's about David, about the people you love -- you have to take them in to consideration.
Sahkura chan [9:44 PM]: They can not loose you.
Sahkura chan [9:44 PM]: I can't loose you.
Beautiful BeII [9:45 PM]: everyone says that .. they all lie to me .. i need david .. manda, i love you .. why am i shaking .. fuck, i hate this .. i want carrie .. i want david .. im so scared
Sahkura chan [9:45 PM]: .. Can you get any of them? Any one?
Beautiful BeII [9:46 PM]: no
Beautiful BeII [9:46 PM]: i dont have nicoles number .. there for i cant get david ..
Sahkura chan [9:48 PM]: .. You go to someone, Jess -- I can't help you, other than tell you .. that I love you, so much ; If you die, I loose a part of me ; if you die, Rach looses a part of her -- if you die, we all let something die. We can't .. do this shit without you. We need you.
Beautiful BeII [9:49 PM]: Manda .. i dont know what to do .. i wont kill myself. ive come to see that now. ive tried, and tried. but i just cant do it ..
Beautiful BeII [9:50 PM]: okay. i have to breathe. i cant breathe .. i cant breathe ..
Sahkura chan [9:51 PM]: Get away from the computer ; get some water .. get something. Just -- live, Jess. Take a breath, live.
.. My god .. My -- god .. I don't know what's going to happen now.
Everything's going to get better -- Jei's back, he can help me out.
I'll talk to Aaron tomorrow .. for now, It's Jei.
Tnank god he came on, I missed him so much and .. I needed .. someone. I'm loosing it on this end, despite how it all may look.
I can't do this on my own. |
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| 09:51am 21/07/2002 |
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mood:  uncomfortable music: ( for you ) staind
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Ern, x_X No one's on? At 9:51? You stay-up-late poodles, >;\
>> Not like I went to bed at any decent time, but ..
I just wanted to do something before I went to get ready and see my mother. ;/
Oh, Cody just got on, :x All right.
I need a new midi ( I'm sure few'll agree, ;\ ) Any idea's? I want to hear Larva's Theme : Waltz .. but I can't find the Mp3 or Midi. ._. There's like, one site -- and the link's broken. >;x
So, help me out -- ? Comment .. and .. stuff. o_o
And, Eeerriin? Be on at Five? ._. 'Manda misses you, and loves you. |
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